It’s 2am and sleep continues to elude me. So don’t be surprised if I say that my wakefulness is what inspired me to write today. I’m not even sure where to start or how to explain the dilemma that is behind this insomnia. To begin with I can say that I’ve always underestimated myself. I was always busy trying to please everyone around me, saying just the right things and doing everything with precision so that people will accept me. My fear of rejection overcame my very existence. I realised that while I was trying to make others like me I actually lost myself, my identity. Now I don’t even know who I am.
It is hard to explain but my life is at its all time low right now. Like hitting the rock bottom and for the first time I feel helpless and scared. I find myself doing things without thinking as if I’ve lost my power of reason, and I’m not just talking about my life. There was a time when I was sure I had the knowledge and the understanding to actually apply it. But now I feel so mechanical and it kills me. You know the feeling when you realise that mugging up and getting through is the only aim left in your life. What happened to learning and passion that we once posessed. I feel like the dumbest person alive and I’m ashamed of what I have become. This is not what I dreamt of as a kid.
Ignorance is bliss they say and damn are they right. Until now I was in a state of trance thinking world was a perfect place, and look at me now , sleeplessness knows me by name. Is it just me or are there others like me who just haven’t had the chance to share their experiences. I can’t be too sure but I know a lot of the people reading this can actually relate to what I am trying to say here. I know this is a very random blog and that it is in a state of pure entropy, for which I deeply apologise. Still for those who have somehow managed to read so far i would like to know what you think? Do you agree with me ? And if you don’t then what are your thoughts..do share..