When pain is what you crave..

Is it wrong if I find solace in pain? What should I do if it seems to be the only way I feel alive? I’ve asked this question to myself over and over and I still haven’t reached a conclusion. I don’t understand why people have this strange notion that being happy all the time equals normalcy. Yes, I am depressed and I’m not ashamed of it.

Why should I be anyways? I try to be strong, I stand tall and fake a smile so that people believe that I’m okay. But under all that false bravado I am still a human, a girl who has had enough and is sick of  keeping it all together. It is hard not breaking down, not letting go of your inhibitions. The more I tried to keep it in, the worse it became.

There comes a time when you feel like somebody punched right through your chest and there is this big hole right where your heart should be. You try to breathe, hyperventilate, but still no air reaches your lungs. I couldn’t sleep or eat . I had actually gone numb. It was either that or plain remorse, there was no third emotion that I felt. In such a case pain was a welcome alternative. It was what kept me sane, gave me the assurance that I was still alive.

I am not saying that the way I handled it was correct. I should have sought help. Sadly I was too wrapped up in my own thoughts to have acted wisely. But still pain was liberating even if for a while. Nothing else mattered then. I would lie on my bed whole day starving myself , not caring, not thinking. I didn’t even cry though I know that could have helped.

Recuperating , now I know how wrong I was. I acted irrationally and I’m guilty as charged. I know it is hard sometimes. You cannot share your problems and it gets worse with time. I’m not saying that being depressed is wrong. No, you have every right not to be okay and to feel like shit. What you need to know is that the phase will pass. Pain may seem the only cure but believe me it is only temporary. So instead of feeling ashamed of your condition, reach out to your friends and family. Look for help, make the right decisions and I’m sure you will emerge victorious, leaving behind all the negativity in your life.



14 comments on “When pain is what you crave..

  1. milai says:

    It’s okay to feel depressed or hurt or even angry. What’s not okay is to wallow in these feelings and let them consume you. I’m glad you’ve gotten over that phase. 🙂

  2. What can I say? I can definitely relate to this post! It’s so hard to pretend that everything’s okay, well in fact, you’re dying inside. Pain can’t just go away in a short period of time.

  3. I know it is hard.Took me a while to get over my own depression, but it is possible. I agree with you that the hardest part is indeed hiding your feelings from the world.
    Thank you for your comment 🙂

  4. ssrijana says:

    i always seem to cure myself i can share happiness but not pain and sorrow that’s just me !

  5. I can relate to what you are trying to say. I listen to friends for hours crying and whining about their problems but could never get myself to call somebody to share mine.
    Thank you for sharing 🙂

  6. nishi01 says:

    It is ridiculous to think that one can be happy all the time. I fail to comprehend why the word ‘being depressed’ carries such a stigma. The pain come through, am so glad you are much better now.

  7. It is this social stigma due to which it is hard for people to fight depression because they feel it is unnatural for them to feel that way. Thank you for visiting 🙂

  8. scorptastic says:

    So glad to read †ђξ end †ђά̲̣̥† you have gotten over being depressed. I’m sure you have a great body, please d☺n’t destroy it. †ђξ feeling of being loved or cared for cannot be equaled to anything else. Well if you ever need a friend to talk with or to. Holla 😀

  9. Thanks a lot for the support 🙂 In times of distress there is nothing more wonderful than a caring friend.

  10. Please visit http://depressionexists.wordpress.com
    Her name is Paula and she is an Australian & suffers from Bi Polar disorder and other forms of depression, but her posts are uplifting and most of the time light hearted/light minded and humorous.
    I know we just ‘met’ but whilst reading this post it reminded me of what I went through..at the tender age of 53 🙂
    Pain and hurt has no boundaries. Living and getting through tough times makes us stronger than we thought we could possibly be 🙂 Thank you for your raw honesty in this post.

  11. Thanks a lot ramblingsfromamum, and thank you for suggesting me the site. I will surely visit it. It feels good to know that people can relate to you and understand you. 🙂

  12. Devyn says:

    Life is full of pain and suffering. My depression led me to the Teaching, or more accurately it found me. Check out http://www.siddhawarrior.com.

  13. Thanks a lot. I really loved the link you shared with me. 🙂

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