Is it wrong if I find solace in pain? What should I do if it seems to be the only way I feel alive? I’ve asked this question to myself over and over and I still haven’t reached a conclusion. I don’t understand why people have this strange notion that being happy all the time equals normalcy. Yes, I am depressed and I’m not ashamed of it.
Why should I be anyways? I try to be strong, I stand tall and fake a smile so that people believe that I’m okay. But under all that false bravado I am still a human, a girl who has had enough and is sick of keeping it all together. It is hard not breaking down, not letting go of your inhibitions. The more I tried to keep it in, the worse it became.
There comes a time when you feel like somebody punched right through your chest and there is this big hole right where your heart should be. You try to breathe, hyperventilate, but still no air reaches your lungs. I couldn’t sleep or eat . I had actually gone numb. It was either that or plain remorse, there was no third emotion that I felt. In such a case pain was a welcome alternative. It was what kept me sane, gave me the assurance that I was still alive.
I am not saying that the way I handled it was correct. I should have sought help. Sadly I was too wrapped up in my own thoughts to have acted wisely. But still pain was liberating even if for a while. Nothing else mattered then. I would lie on my bed whole day starving myself , not caring, not thinking. I didn’t even cry though I know that could have helped.
Recuperating , now I know how wrong I was. I acted irrationally and I’m guilty as charged. I know it is hard sometimes. You cannot share your problems and it gets worse with time. I’m not saying that being depressed is wrong. No, you have every right not to be okay and to feel like shit. What you need to know is that the phase will pass. Pain may seem the only cure but believe me it is only temporary. So instead of feeling ashamed of your condition, reach out to your friends and family. Look for help, make the right decisions and I’m sure you will emerge victorious, leaving behind all the negativity in your life.