Dear Diary…

My entries from a harder time…

Dear Diary,

                   I’m ashamed. Ashamed of having done something I vowed never to do. I can’t even look myself in the eyes. I’ve always pegged myself to being a strong-willed person, but it all got shattered the moment I gave in to the guilty pleasures of temptation. Yes, I tried cutting myself today. Nothing serious I promise you,but I’m still guilty of trying.

I know you are the only one who won’t judge me. I confess I did wrong and I realise that now but I just couldn’t help it. This feeling of helplessness is too much for me to take. I’ve tried so hard to fight this, to come out strong, but it’s like I keep spiralling down the same void. It feels like ages since I last smiled a smile  that I didn’t have to fake.

The funny part is, it didn’t feel good at all. I had imagined I would feel liberated, peaceful even but it was just the opposite. Now I feel like an idiot to have even attempted such a feat. My subconscious reprimands me for being so reckless, for not thinking about my family or friends. I feel like I was being selfish, just thinking about myself, my pain and my release.

Sorry is all that I have left to say now, to myself and my God. I swear I will never do something like that again. If only there was a way to ease my suffering, to stop this hurt once and for all. If only…


23 comments on “Dear Diary…

  1. meiro says:

    O no…, hope you are okay now….., please if you want to share I will be at ….. at any time.

    With love,

  2. doctorxix911 says:

    Reblogged this on dOcToR19 and commented:
    dont worry be strong 😀 u can

  3. JudithDeHeus says:

    I hope you’re OK now!

  4. It doesn’t seem fitting to hit the like button when I read this. Hopefully this was back when you were in a dark place and not current. Causing yourself pain will not get back at others, will not bring them back, will not make you feel any better. Sharing this post is a way to read and re-read and make it never happen again. **Huggs**

  5. Yes, it was about seven months ago and I realize now how mistaken I was back then. The only reason I posted it was to remind myself how much things have changed since then and how victorious I’ve been in fighting off those dark times. I’m proud of myself and I want everybody to know that life is a beautiful gift that we should respect. Thank you for your time *kisses* 🙂

  6. Irish Katie says:

    I was not sure how to respond to this. Like Mumsy (above) … hitting the “Like” button on something like this is hard…even when we all know that hitting the “Like” button is meant as a show of support and not necessarily “liking” the cause or outcome of such things.

    Anyway, I hit it after reading some of the comments and your responses to them. Good on you for getting to a better place.

    I do not self-harm … however, a friend of mine writes about the reasons … some ways to stop yourself. She has reservations on posting it too though … sometimes reading about it, even if it is an article about stopping it…sometimes that in itself becomes a trigger to do it. I suspect you have read on it too … but if you wish, let me know and I can point you to the blog post I am talking of. However, I understand if you have reservations too ok.

    *hugsss* … and I am glad you are better now.

    • Thank you for all your support 🙂 In a way you are correct, reading about it and feeling it will make you feel liberated is what gives you the basic idea. I would love to read the blog you are talking about 🙂 lots of love to you :*

  7. I am hitting like. Yes for support. Mostly because you have been amazingly strong and have stopped. Most will have a very hard time understanding how hard that was to do or why the pull was strong to do it.

    so along with the like I am sending big hugs a smile and a Yay! 🙂

    are you in a good place now?

  8. Thank you Amber 🙂 and yes, I am in a good place now. My experience taught me a lot of things and I know I’m a lot more wiser now than I was before. *hugs* to you too 🙂

  9. nishi01 says:

    Shesh! The pic…made my heart skip a beat. Hope you are better, much better now.

  10. Yeah the pic is a bit grotesque…and yes I am perfectly alright now 🙂 Thanks.

  11. abidihani says:

    I am glad to hear that you are doing better after reading the above posts and comments. A quote I recently came across:

    “Intelligence is dangerous. Intelligence means you will start thinking on your own; you will start looking around on your own. You will not believe in the scriptures; you will believe only in your own experience.”
    ― Osho

    The quote is strong and has an important message. I could relate to it. May be you might too !!

  12. Thank you for sharing that lovely quote and yes I did relate to it. Intelligence is dangerous indeed.

  13. Seyi sandra says:

    When I read this, I didn’t want to hit ‘like’ but I did because you’ve got great courage to post this and I’m blessed you chose to follow and like some of my post. I know this was ages ago when you were depressed and I don’t think I have anything else to add but just to wish you strength, peace of mind and love. I hope to know you more! God be with you always.
    Much love and blessings!

  14. Thanks a lot for your kind and encouraging words 🙂 And thanks for taking the time to go through my posts. I really adore your writing, it is wonderful 🙂

  15. pseudomonaz says:

    I guess this was written a long time back. I know there are hard times, trust me, i’ve been through it, but its not the way to react to it. Hard times are there to make us realise the importance of happiness. And you are a medical are meant to give life not take it away. I guess you are better now. Sending some hope and hugs your way…! Be strong.

    • Thanks for the support *hugs back*… and yes it was written a while back and I am not proud of what I did. The only reason I shared this was to make people see how stupid I was and why this is the wrong way to solve your problems.

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