Don’t talk to her
She’s in too deep
Drowning in her own pain.
Her eyes are empty
An endless void
A reflection of her life.
She can’t sleep
She can’t eat
Just keeps awaiting her doom.
A new mask
A new pretense.
Lost in her own nightmares
She murdered her hopes
Strangled her joy.
No tears shed
For this living corpse
For her bleeding heart.
That’s how she lives
That’s who she is
The girl who killed herself.
A shattered family portrait
A pillow stained with tears
The raised voices and shattered hopes
As innocence simply stares.
I’m scared daddy please don’t fight
I just can’t take it no more
Why can’t we be a happy family
Just like we were before.
I close myself and shut them out
As I hear her silently weep
I find a sanctuary in my bed
And cry myself to sleep.
No, mommy please don’t cry
Look what I made for you
I swear I’d be a good girl
Together we’ll make it through.
My entries from a harder time…
I’m ashamed. Ashamed of having done something I vowed never to do. I can’t even look myself in the eyes. I’ve always pegged myself to being a strong-willed person, but it all got shattered the moment I gave in to the guilty pleasures of temptation. Yes, I tried cutting myself today. Nothing serious I promise you,but I’m still guilty of trying.
I know you are the only one who won’t judge me. I confess I did wrong and I realise that now but I just couldn’t help it. This feeling of helplessness is too much for me to take. I’ve tried so hard to fight this, to come out strong, but it’s like I keep spiralling down the same void. It feels like ages since I last smiled a smile that I didn’t have to fake.
The funny part is, it didn’t feel good at all. I had imagined I would feel liberated, peaceful even but it was just the opposite. Now I feel like an idiot to have even attempted such a feat. My subconscious reprimands me for being so reckless, for not thinking about my family or friends. I feel like I was being selfish, just thinking about myself, my pain and my release.
Sorry is all that I have left to say now, to myself and my God. I swear I will never do something like that again. If only there was a way to ease my suffering, to stop this hurt once and for all. If only…
Is it wrong if I find solace in pain? What should I do if it seems to be the only way I feel alive? I’ve asked this question to myself over and over and I still haven’t reached a conclusion. I don’t understand why people have this strange notion that being happy all the time equals normalcy. Yes, I am depressed and I’m not ashamed of it.
Why should I be anyways? I try to be strong, I stand tall and fake a smile so that people believe that I’m okay. But under all that false bravado I am still a human, a girl who has had enough and is sick of keeping it all together. It is hard not breaking down, not letting go of your inhibitions. The more I tried to keep it in, the worse it became.
There comes a time when you feel like somebody punched right through your chest and there is this big hole right where your heart should be. You try to breathe, hyperventilate, but still no air reaches your lungs. I couldn’t sleep or eat . I had actually gone numb. It was either that or plain remorse, there was no third emotion that I felt. In such a case pain was a welcome alternative. It was what kept me sane, gave me the assurance that I was still alive.
I am not saying that the way I handled it was correct. I should have sought help. Sadly I was too wrapped up in my own thoughts to have acted wisely. But still pain was liberating even if for a while. Nothing else mattered then. I would lie on my bed whole day starving myself , not caring, not thinking. I didn’t even cry though I know that could have helped.
Recuperating , now I know how wrong I was. I acted irrationally and I’m guilty as charged. I know it is hard sometimes. You cannot share your problems and it gets worse with time. I’m not saying that being depressed is wrong. No, you have every right not to be okay and to feel like shit. What you need to know is that the phase will pass. Pain may seem the only cure but believe me it is only temporary. So instead of feeling ashamed of your condition, reach out to your friends and family. Look for help, make the right decisions and I’m sure you will emerge victorious, leaving behind all the negativity in your life.
Part 4: I Miss You…
I miss you. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that I want to get back to where we were, nor do I wish to make you feel guilty for whatever happened between us. But today I find myself missing you more than ever before. Is it wrong to long for a person who was such an important part of your life once. Yes we’ve had our misunderstandings and we don’t even talk anymore, but then whose fault is that. You made it pretty clear you didn’t want to do anything with me, that you didn’t want me calling you or mailing you or even sending you birthday greetings 😦
So why is it that all I want to do right now is to pick up my phone and call you just to hear your voice once more. Then I realise that the last thing I wanna do right now is to give you the satisfaction of knowing that I got weak. I just wish there was a way to fight this feeling. I mean I have to be pathetic enough to miss the very person who shattered my heart into a million pieces and left me when I needed him the most.
So tell me why you did that? Why did you leave me in the middle of a crisis? You had every idea of what I was going through, of how depressed I was. You were the person I shared every detail of my life with. Fine I understand that you didn’t feel the same way I felt but what about friendship? Wasn’t that a bond strong enough to make you stay with me and help me through my difficult times? I guess not cause you chose to leave me hanging in the midst of it all. And I had thought you were compassionate when you aren’t even a good human being.
Oh how blind I was. I tried to cut myself if you are interested to know, something I had sworn I would never do. And yet here I am, rambling about how I miss you. Tears are falling down my face like a waterfall as I type this. Tears, that mean nothing to you. Then why am I feeling this way. Am I a masochist? Do I just revel in my suffering? Wish I knew, wish somebody could tell me, but right now this pain is the only thing that reminds me I am alive and nothing else. I really wish I had the answers….