I don’t know if you read my previous letter or if you are going to read this one but I just had to do this. I needed to let out all the frustration and anger in some way and writing to you seemed the perfect method. After all you need to know the hell you put me through.
It is just that I know you will never accept your fault and it infuriates me even more. I still remember that time; it is clear as ice. Your betrayal felt like somebody had punched a hole right through my chest and I couldn’t breathe. I would wake up every morning hyperventilating, my face smeared with tears from the last night. I had to practically tell myself not to break down in front of everyone. I was numb; pain was my only solace.
Why didn’t you answer any of my calls? Was it that hard to help me out of my misery? I didn’t even realise that I was depressed till one day I looked into the mirror and didn’t recognise the girl looking back at me. Can you imagine that pain?
Today I want you to know that I am better now. I have real friends who won’t leave me in need. I won’t say I am over you because I’m not but I can assure you that one day I will erase you completely from my life. This is the last time I am writing to you. I wish you all the best for your future. Goodbye and good luck…
You don’t know what love is
Until you’ve learned the meaning of the blues
Until you’ve loved a love you had to lose
You don’t know what love is
Is it true that you can’t love until you’ve lost? Listening to this song today made me realize that somehow love has always been related to pain and hurt. I’ve never had somebody tell me how beautiful love is or how it brought them happiness but there is always a friend who is lamenting over falling in love.
As a kid I had heard of ‘love at first sight’ and ‘happily ever after’, but I guess that is all fairy tale stuff. Nobody in real life falls in love and stays happy right?
I have loved and lost but I’m not sure if I still have found out what love is. As a matter of fact now I’m scared of it.
I feel that love should be something that brings you inner peace. Like when you are in his arms you feel home, you feel happy; a sense of belonging. Loving someone should be easy, like breathing.
What are your experiences? What is love according to you?
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
I’m ashamed. Ashamed of having done something I vowed never to do. I can’t even look myself in the eyes. I’ve always pegged myself to being a strong-willed person, but it all got shattered the moment I gave in to the guilty pleasures of temptation. Yes, I tried cutting myself today. Nothing serious I promise you,but I’m still guilty of trying.
I know you are the only one who won’t judge me. I confess I did wrong and I realise that now but I just couldn’t help it. This feeling of helplessness is too much for me to take. I’ve tried so hard to fight this, to come out strong, but it’s like I keep spiralling down the same void. It feels like ages since I last smiled a smile that I didn’t have to fake.
The funny part is, it didn’t feel good at all. I had imagined I would feel liberated, peaceful even but it was just the opposite. Now I feel like an idiot to have even attempted such a feat. My subconscious reprimands me for being so reckless, for not thinking about my family or friends. I feel like I was being selfish, just thinking about myself, my pain and my release.
Sorry is all that I have left to say now, to myself and my God. I swear I will never do something like that again. If only there was a way to ease my suffering, to stop this hurt once and for all. If only…
Is it wrong if I find solace in pain? What should I do if it seems to be the only way I feel alive? I’ve asked this question to myself over and over and I still haven’t reached a conclusion. I don’t understand why people have this strange notion that being happy all the time equals normalcy. Yes, I am depressed and I’m not ashamed of it.
Why should I be anyways? I try to be strong, I stand tall and fake a smile so that people believe that I’m okay. But under all that false bravado I am still a human, a girl who has had enough and is sick of keeping it all together. It is hard not breaking down, not letting go of your inhibitions. The more I tried to keep it in, the worse it became.
There comes a time when you feel like somebody punched right through your chest and there is this big hole right where your heart should be. You try to breathe, hyperventilate, but still no air reaches your lungs. I couldn’t sleep or eat . I had actually gone numb. It was either that or plain remorse, there was no third emotion that I felt. In such a case pain was a welcome alternative. It was what kept me sane, gave me the assurance that I was still alive.
I am not saying that the way I handled it was correct. I should have sought help. Sadly I was too wrapped up in my own thoughts to have acted wisely. But still pain was liberating even if for a while. Nothing else mattered then. I would lie on my bed whole day starving myself , not caring, not thinking. I didn’t even cry though I know that could have helped.
Recuperating , now I know how wrong I was. I acted irrationally and I’m guilty as charged. I know it is hard sometimes. You cannot share your problems and it gets worse with time. I’m not saying that being depressed is wrong. No, you have every right not to be okay and to feel like shit. What you need to know is that the phase will pass. Pain may seem the only cure but believe me it is only temporary. So instead of feeling ashamed of your condition, reach out to your friends and family. Look for help, make the right decisions and I’m sure you will emerge victorious, leaving behind all the negativity in your life.