Addicted to Love

Love is a dangerous thing. The whole concept of “love addiction” seemed impossible to me until last week when I read a newspaper article on the same.Love addiction is just when someone is addicted to the feeling of being in love, as if it was the reason why we are alive and breathing. The more I read, the more I realized how much those words were applicable to me. It was like they were trying to describe me and it left me feeling miserable.

 I accept I have a few insecurities and abandonment issues but this was something I wasn’t prepared for. It was the first time I realized that all this time I was settling for less than what I deserved just because I was scared of being alone.  I just had to be with someone; to feel loved and while I was having these emotions I hurt myself more than I could have ever imagined.

I trusted the wrong people, sacrificed my needs and desires for someone who didn’t deserve it. I even changed myself. Maybe I’m a hopeless romantic who wishes to be swept off her feet but romance isn’t supposed to push you into depression.

I don’t want to fall in love with someone for the wrong reasons. I deserve to find true love and I don’t think I will unless I get over this overwhelming need of mine to be with someone just for the sake of it.

I’ve heard they have support groups for this too but I guess talking to family and friends would do just fine. I guess now that I’m aware of where I went wrong I can probably get over this problem. Hopefully One day I shall find the person who would love me for me.

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The Sweetest Sin..

I never knew it felt so good,

This sweet friction: cold metal on skin;

The ragged blades create a deep crevasse,

The pure satisfaction takes you in.

I watch as the ruddy drops fall down slowly,

Creating a vast ocean of red;

What was once the life coursing through my veins,

Is now the remnant of my pain and dread.

I feel my heart beat slowing down,

The sound now echoes through the room;

I’m wondering why I feel no pain,

Is it supposed to end so soon?

No remorse, no guilt, no sorrow,

I lie as blissful sleep takes over;

Flashes of my life passes me by,

As I count my pulse, now getting slower.

Thats it, this is the end I know,

I feel the darkness pull me in;

Don’t cry for me when i’m gone,

This is me commiting my sweetest sin.

P.s. This is a repost of a previous post with some editing done.. 🙂

Would You?

Would you still love me

if I told you I wasn’t perfect.

Would you hold me tight

if I told you I was weak.

Would you wrap me in your arms

and tell me I’m alright.

Would you let my tears stain your shirt

when your arms are what I seek.

Would you steal away my pain

and help me heal this broken heart.

Would you whisper sweet nothings

just to see me smile.

Would you stay with me forever

and never let me fall apart.

Would you still love me

if I told you I was damaged beyond repair.

Would you still love me

or just let me go.

Would you be there for me

I wish there was a way to know..

Dear Diary…

My entries from a harder time…

Dear Diary,

                   I’m ashamed. Ashamed of having done something I vowed never to do. I can’t even look myself in the eyes. I’ve always pegged myself to being a strong-willed person, but it all got shattered the moment I gave in to the guilty pleasures of temptation. Yes, I tried cutting myself today. Nothing serious I promise you,but I’m still guilty of trying.

I know you are the only one who won’t judge me. I confess I did wrong and I realise that now but I just couldn’t help it. This feeling of helplessness is too much for me to take. I’ve tried so hard to fight this, to come out strong, but it’s like I keep spiralling down the same void. It feels like ages since I last smiled a smile  that I didn’t have to fake.

The funny part is, it didn’t feel good at all. I had imagined I would feel liberated, peaceful even but it was just the opposite. Now I feel like an idiot to have even attempted such a feat. My subconscious reprimands me for being so reckless, for not thinking about my family or friends. I feel like I was being selfish, just thinking about myself, my pain and my release.

Sorry is all that I have left to say now, to myself and my God. I swear I will never do something like that again. If only there was a way to ease my suffering, to stop this hurt once and for all. If only…

The Hurt Chronicles#7

My Apologies

I’m sorry that I loved you,
I’m sorry that I cared.
I’m sorry you didn’t give a damn,
If I had known, I wouldn’t have dared.

I’m sorry for supporting you,
I’m sorry for being a friend.
I’m sorry you saw me as an available resource,
You gave me scars that will never mend.

I’m sorry for being your shadow,
I’m sorry for sharing your pain.
I’m sorry you preferred to betray me,
You were the drug that kept me sane.

I’m sorry for not seeing the real you,
I’m sorry for being so blind.
I’m sorry for overlooking your faults in love,
Was I so out of my mind.

So here I stand, face-to-face,
I’m taking all I gave.
You were right, I’m guilty of trusting you,
This shame I’ll take to my grave.
Hence, my apologies….