The Hurt Chronicles#5

Bleeding Love

I know exactly what you think,
You think that I have gone insane.
But is it right for you to judge,
When you’re so ignorant of my pain.

I told you once, I told you twice,
I told you every night and day.
I swore to you my love, my life,
Still you fooled me all the way.

I gave to you all that I had,
My heart, body, soul and mind.
Tried to make you see my side of things,
How could you have been so blind?

You left me standing helpless,
But what else can I do.
How can I move on with life,
When I’m still in love with you.

I tried to erase the scars you left,
But your memories won’t fade away.
I carved your name on my soul with love,
And that fire still burns me everyday.

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The Hurt Chronicles#4

WHEN YOU SAY NOTHING AT ALL…

Life was never kind to me,

Just a scary roller coaster ride.

You were the light at the end of the tunnel,

The only person I let inside.

 

I told you all my deepest secrets,

On your shoulders I knew I could lean.

I let you see that side of me,

That no one has ever seen.

 

So tell me why we’re standing here,

Where exactly did I go wrong?

Were you never the friend I thought you were,

Was I dreaming all along?

 

Wasn’t I there when you needed me the most,

When you were alone and nobody would care?

In your darkest of times didn’t I stand right beside you,

Wasn’t I your rock in times of despair?

 

Now you act like I don’t matter,

Like our friendship was never meant to stay.

I try so hard to work things out,

But you just keep pushing me away.

 

Why do we have to live this way?

This sadness is consuming us all.

So fight, yell, blame I won’t mind at all,

Cause it damn hurts when you say nothing at all..

The Humdrum Affairs

Part 4: I Miss You…

 

I miss you. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that I want to get back to where we were, nor do I wish to make you feel guilty for whatever happened between us. But today I find myself missing you more than ever before. Is it wrong to long for a person who was such an important part of your life once. Yes we’ve had our misunderstandings and we don’t even talk anymore, but then whose fault is that. You made it pretty clear you didn’t want to do anything with me, that you didn’t want me calling you or mailing you or even sending you birthday greetings 😦

So why is it that all I want to do right now is to pick up my phone and call you just to hear your voice once more. Then I realise that the last thing I wanna do right now is to give you the satisfaction of knowing that I got weak. I just wish there was a way to fight this feeling. I mean I have to be pathetic enough to miss the very person who shattered my heart into a million pieces and left me when I needed him the most.

So tell me why you did that? Why did you leave me in the middle of a crisis? You had every idea of what I was going through, of how depressed I was. You were the person I shared every detail of my life with. Fine I understand that you didn’t feel the same way I felt but what about friendship? Wasn’t that a bond strong enough to make you stay with me and help me through my difficult times? I guess not cause you chose to leave me hanging in the midst of it all. And I had thought you were compassionate when you aren’t even a good human being.

Oh how blind I was. I tried to cut myself if you are interested to know, something I had sworn I would never do. And yet here I am, rambling about how I miss you. Tears are falling down my face like a waterfall as I type this. Tears, that mean nothing to you. Then why am I feeling this way. Am I a masochist? Do I just revel in my suffering? Wish I knew, wish somebody could tell me, but right now this pain is the only thing that reminds me I am alive and nothing else. I really wish I had the answers….

The Humdrum Affairs

Part 3: Dreaming With a Broken Heart

“When you’re dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part

Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?

No you won’t, ’cause you’re gone, gone, gone, gone, gone…. “

First when it happened I thought it was a one time thing, but then the intensity increased. I wouldn’t mind if he was “haunting” me in the real sense, hurting me, breaking my heart or something like that. But what he does is worse, he would take me by the hand and whisper sweet nothings, hold me close and tell me everything would be okay. These are the moments I had longed for my whole life. How do I wake up when everything I’ve always wanted is right there and would disappear as soon as I open my eyes. 😦

The more distance I want to put between us, the closer he gets. I want, no, need to forget him but these nightly rendezvous are breaking my resolve. Now being a science student I am bound to believe that this is just my subconscious mind working on an overdrive, perhaps the result of stress. But my head keeps telling me it is highly ominous, as if something bad is going to happen.

So should I consult a dream specialist and ask him what they mean? Or am I just depressed and the old feelings are resurfacing in this manner. I am confused. The only thing I know is that I look forward to dreaming again, of meeting him there. Now I know this sounds bad considering I’m supposed to be running away from him, but I can’t stop myself from dreaming either 😦

This is the point where I realise that insomnia was actually my friend, my comrade. Guess I’ll just enjoy all the time I get with him until he fades again and becomes a figment of my imagination…

The Humdrum Affairs

Part 2: Being Human

“Don’t waste time thinking back to what you could have done differently. Keep your eyes on the road and do it differently now.”

I’ve spent or rather ‘wasted’  a lot of my time thinking about the past. Of all the things I did and the mistakes I made, punishing myself over and over till I reached a point in my life where misery was all that was left. It was more of a habit than anything else. “Self reproach” is the right term for it. No matter whose fault it was, I had made it my duty to feel guilty about everything.

I guess I never realized how wrong I was until one day I found that each and every person in my life was taking me for granted. They could come and do what they pleased, cause who am I gonna blame but myself? I cried that day, really cried. You know the feeling when it dawns upon you how lonely you are, or how mistaken you were all your life. I’ve never felt anything more intense than that.

After all the crying and name calling I decided to turn my life around. After all we’re only human. Living for others is good but what about you. Why give a fuck about people who couldn’t care less about you? I know that now and I don’t wanna live for anyone but myself. God has given me this one life to live and to enjoy, there is absolutely no need for me to spoil it because of someone else.

What I’m trying to say is have fun, go out, be crazy, be creative. Make mistakes, cause there is no way in hell for you to be perfect. It is okay to be a little flawed, otherwise we’d all be Gods. Wake up every morning and tell yourself – today is gonna be a wonderful day, and I’m gonna make the most of it. As hard as it is, let go of the past. You can’t change it so let’s just move on.

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL, don’t let a moment go waste. Starting today, you are the master of your fate. And lastly remember, It’s not who you are that holds you back, It’s what you think you’re not.  So..

“TALK TO PEOPLE YOU HAVE NEVER TALKED TO BEFORE AND ACTUALLY LISTEN. HOLD YOUR HEAD UP CAUSE YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO. TELL YOURSELF YOU ARE A GREAT INDIVIDUAL AND BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, BECAUSE IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE IN YOURSELF NO ONE WILL BELIEVE IN YOU EITHER.”  🙂