20 Pink Roses…A Birthday in Randomness

 

Twenty pink roses and the 23 year old curse was broken….. Teddy bears, chocolates and roses, what more can a girl ask for on her birthday 😀 A dedication video made by two of my very good friends, all the planning and scheming behind my back and two bloody cakes…. no doubt my 23’rd year started with a bang!! It was fun, it was great; I did miss my parents but I’m gonna go meet them this weekend 🙂 Sorry for not putting up anything for the past two days but I was still hung up on all the sugar I consumed. I’m going to make use of my newly acquired journal my friend gave me and probably come up with something good soon 🙂 Till then God Bless..

 

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Searching for true love..

I have spent a lot of my time worrying about true love. Who will he be? When will I find him? Will he like me?  I used to think that it was the hardest thing to do but then this very evening I saw a mother give birth to her baby while posted in the OBGYN department. She had been in labor for hours, was in pain, exhausted and there was a lot of blood 😦

Finally she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Then it happened…she looked at her child for the first time and that look on her face was pure love; love for her newborn baby. It felt like she had momentarily forgotten all about her pain and despair; like her baby was the center of her world and nothing else mattered. It was then I realized that I had already found true love the day I was born.

The first thing I did after that was to call my mom and tell her how much I loved her. I don’t know why we spend years trying to find the meaning of love when it is right there in front of us.  A mother’s love is unconditional and one that is easily ignored by us. If you haven’t told your mom what she means to you, I request you do it today. Tell her how much you appreciate everything that she has done for you. It will make her day I can assure you.

 

A Rose Maybe…

What greater tragedy for a girl than never having received a rose 😦  Sadly, I am one of those girls. I don’t even know if such a category exists. I don’t understand why nobody actually thought of giving me one. It is painful when I see girls around me with dozens of them and I’m empty handed. Is it normal to be in my position or is my life truly pathetic?

Addicted to Love

Love is a dangerous thing. The whole concept of “love addiction” seemed impossible to me until last week when I read a newspaper article on the same.Love addiction is just when someone is addicted to the feeling of being in love, as if it was the reason why we are alive and breathing. The more I read, the more I realized how much those words were applicable to me. It was like they were trying to describe me and it left me feeling miserable.

 I accept I have a few insecurities and abandonment issues but this was something I wasn’t prepared for. It was the first time I realized that all this time I was settling for less than what I deserved just because I was scared of being alone.  I just had to be with someone; to feel loved and while I was having these emotions I hurt myself more than I could have ever imagined.

I trusted the wrong people, sacrificed my needs and desires for someone who didn’t deserve it. I even changed myself. Maybe I’m a hopeless romantic who wishes to be swept off her feet but romance isn’t supposed to push you into depression.

I don’t want to fall in love with someone for the wrong reasons. I deserve to find true love and I don’t think I will unless I get over this overwhelming need of mine to be with someone just for the sake of it.

I’ve heard they have support groups for this too but I guess talking to family and friends would do just fine. I guess now that I’m aware of where I went wrong I can probably get over this problem. Hopefully One day I shall find the person who would love me for me.

Still

I still think about you. I know I shouldn’t and I know it’s stupid but I can’t help it . There are times when I hear my phone ringing and I silently wish it was you. I still wake up feeling empty inside, as if I was missing a part of me.

I just want to know how you’ve been. Are you happy? Does she make you happy? I know it is inappropriate to be asking these questions but I am genuinely curious. You were my best friend for years and I do have the right. You just can’t abandon someone like that.

I miss my friend, I miss being able to tell you everything. It kills me to see you pass by me everyday and not even acknowledge me. What would I give to have you look at me  just once without flinching. Do I ever cross your mind or have you completely erased me from your memories? Why do I have to lose a friend to make things better?

Dear Diary…

My entries from a harder time…

Dear Diary,

                   I’m ashamed. Ashamed of having done something I vowed never to do. I can’t even look myself in the eyes. I’ve always pegged myself to being a strong-willed person, but it all got shattered the moment I gave in to the guilty pleasures of temptation. Yes, I tried cutting myself today. Nothing serious I promise you,but I’m still guilty of trying.

I know you are the only one who won’t judge me. I confess I did wrong and I realise that now but I just couldn’t help it. This feeling of helplessness is too much for me to take. I’ve tried so hard to fight this, to come out strong, but it’s like I keep spiralling down the same void. It feels like ages since I last smiled a smile  that I didn’t have to fake.

The funny part is, it didn’t feel good at all. I had imagined I would feel liberated, peaceful even but it was just the opposite. Now I feel like an idiot to have even attempted such a feat. My subconscious reprimands me for being so reckless, for not thinking about my family or friends. I feel like I was being selfish, just thinking about myself, my pain and my release.

Sorry is all that I have left to say now, to myself and my God. I swear I will never do something like that again. If only there was a way to ease my suffering, to stop this hurt once and for all. If only…