The Light of Darkness..

Staring at the nothingness ahead of me,

I walk into it, wanting nothing to be found.

Standing by a volcano which once erupted light,

I am scared what if it comes back to life.

When the demonic silence speaks volumes,

I listen intently; finding my way through invisible crossroads.

And then being my savior,

The light of darkness finally dawns upon me.



I miss you my dear ball of fur…

Oh how you’ve grown up; no more the same little thing that used to climb in bed with me and snatch away my pillow to use it as your mattress.

No more chewed footwear or torn cushions. No…you are lazier now 😛

You make me want to rush home and hug you. It is my favorite stress buster.

I love you my one true love…my Zoe. ❤

My Sanity

Talk to me in riddles

Whisper in my ears

Kiss me till I feel no pain

Take away my fears.

I want to fall into your arms

Fall until I’m lost

Make me forget all my sins

Exorcise my past.

When I’m with you I feel alive

My body is on fire

Your kisses burn into my soul

Your voice fuels my desire.

You are the pill that keeps me sane

Drive my demons away

Your love binds my broken heart

Makes me stronger each day.

Why can’t I say NO??

Then one day it dawned on me: If my value to others hinged on what I’d do for them, then their approval of me was of no real value. So I did myself a favor. I learned to say no to all favors but those I could do with a giving heart.— Sandra Kring

My inability to say no is one of the biggest tragedies of my life. Add to it my fear of rejection and you get a perfect pushover. Earlier it was just to please people around me but eventually it became a habit and now I just can’t say no.

 It had come to a point where people’s perspective of me became everything. I stopped being myself and turned into a pseudo someone that my peers wanted me to be. I know it is not a good place to be and I’m still fighting to turn things around though I’m not sure if I’ll succeed. What can I do?

A Guest Post…

A friend of mine wrote this post and he wanted me to share it with the world. Being a med student I understand the importance of the message he is trying to convey. Please do share it with the ones you love…..

“This is a Chemo-port.  In my religion, the son carries out the last rites of the departed through cremation, and on cooling down of the pyre, salvages the bones. My toes could still feel the hot sand when I collected what remained of my mother and among all that, was this.

This page isn’t going to be about cancer, yet I’ll brief you through. It started fibroids, then non-malignant tumor in breast in 2006, operated; discovered as malignant less a year ago – 4th stage, mets in bones, had eaten the lower vertebrae. After various illnesses, septicemia and brain mets lead to a sub-Dural hematoma – fifteen days coma – she came out of it; paralyzed in the left. Another fifteen days of brain radiation as she recovered her speech and slight movement. While I stood by her shoulder night and day, meningitis went past me. She died in the ICU, in front of my eyes, cardiac arrest, because the doctors couldn’t catch the meningitis till it made the final hits.

A friend’s mother shared no less painful a fate, breast cancer, discovered at mets in kidney, liver, bones and lungs, died the week following the diagnosis.

The point, Don’t avoid the doctor. Please.

Do not ignore the smallest of health issues, minor pains untreated lead to unfortunate situations; breast cancer being one. And while the world suffers, paranoia is a safer bet. Get your mother checked; at best it’s a price paid to hear the good news. No one should suffer, no mother should die, yet catch it before it spreads – Praemonitus praemunitus – because by the time we know, they would already be leaving.

I am writing this, in hope, that no one reading this will ever suffer the same fate as I did. Either the good news or an earlier detection, always consult your doctor. Mothers tend to avoid the doctor in fear, or for whichever reasons, push her. We were scared too, we were too late, you don’t want to be us. Everyone gets scared, courage doesn’t mean you are scared, it means you more ahead despite the fear.

Do not ignore your family’s health. Nature is strange and we are fragile. Take heed, get regular check-ups.

They tried eight times to revive her, yet she left. I saw my mother’s heart-rate drop, and then suddenly from a forty-four to a dead zero, you don’t want to be me.

If you are a mother, do your checkups for your family’s sake. If you are a father, let your children bear your burden too, never hide, nobody gets to say goodbye. Do not carry the world on your shoulders alone. If you are a son, come home on time, you’ll regret it regardless of anything. Nobody can ever be worth the time, your life needs others, but your mother will be irreplaceable, try and balance. And all of you, create memories, they’ll end up being too less. Eat healthy and see your doctors.

When you are picking up what’s left of the pelvic girdle which brought you into this world, there isn’t any theology left. Take care of your loved ones, don’t be running off to idols while your loved ones suffer any pain, get them the scientific medical help they need, on time. Time – death – is always a step ahead, where are you. Hopefully not holding the chemo-port you salvaged from your mother’s ashes. Be well.”

Born to Die??

It was like any other day. I woke up, got dressed and dragged my ass to yet another agonizing lecture on dead people. Personally Forensic science was never my forte.  I mean who likes to hang around in the mortuary for the better part of the day 😦 That day was supposed to be like any other day. We were supposed to be having a lecture on bones which I had planned to sleep through. What I didn’t know was that a single incident was going to change my outlook on life forever.

Halfway through the lecture we were told that there was a very special case for postmortem that day and that we shouldn’t miss it. Happy that I won’t have to suffer the boredom of a lecture theater I all but skipped to the postmortem house. 

Instead of a body there lay a small bundle wrapped in an old blanket. There was buzzing all around, students trying to figure out what it was that we were going to witness. Finally the blanket was removed. There lay a small girl, barely two days old with bruises covering her face and neck.  A collective gasp resounded in the room. 

The whole thing was supposed to be the highlight of our term since very few people got to witness this. It would help us to understand what we read in the books better but none of these thoughts could remove the ache that was forming in my chest. The harsh reality that female infanticide did exist hit me hard. Reading about it in the news never made this more real than it was at that moment.

What had that poor girl done to anyone? Should she be killed this mercilessly just because she was a girl?

As time passed we learnt how her parents had wrapped her up in a blanket just one day after she was born and then dumped her at a secluded place to die. She died of hunger and cold. Damn she was even attacked by the dogs, hence the bruises. She was born alive there was no doubt of it. Her parents didn’t want her so they took care of the situation the old way.

How can people be so heartless? How is it possible for a mother to murder her child whom she nurtured in her womb for nine months? I can’t begin to understand the reasons behind this cruelty. 

We need to take a stand. Female infanticide is a crime and just not humane. To fight this we must join hands. Talk to the people you know, create awareness and if you see such a thing happening around you, inform the authorities. Search your soul and tell me-

“Was she really born to die?”

Addicted to Love

Love is a dangerous thing. The whole concept of “love addiction” seemed impossible to me until last week when I read a newspaper article on the same.Love addiction is just when someone is addicted to the feeling of being in love, as if it was the reason why we are alive and breathing. The more I read, the more I realized how much those words were applicable to me. It was like they were trying to describe me and it left me feeling miserable.

 I accept I have a few insecurities and abandonment issues but this was something I wasn’t prepared for. It was the first time I realized that all this time I was settling for less than what I deserved just because I was scared of being alone.  I just had to be with someone; to feel loved and while I was having these emotions I hurt myself more than I could have ever imagined.

I trusted the wrong people, sacrificed my needs and desires for someone who didn’t deserve it. I even changed myself. Maybe I’m a hopeless romantic who wishes to be swept off her feet but romance isn’t supposed to push you into depression.

I don’t want to fall in love with someone for the wrong reasons. I deserve to find true love and I don’t think I will unless I get over this overwhelming need of mine to be with someone just for the sake of it.

I’ve heard they have support groups for this too but I guess talking to family and friends would do just fine. I guess now that I’m aware of where I went wrong I can probably get over this problem. Hopefully One day I shall find the person who would love me for me.