You make me smile when I’m feeling down,
I throw these fits but you never frown;
You’re a little piece of my dreams come true,
You’re the reason everyday I feel brand new.
You think I’m pretty even drenched in rain,
My makeup spoiled, my face all stained;
You laugh at all my senseless jokes,
Buy me chocolates even though you’re broke.
You can hear me ramble all night long,
And God knows for that you gotta be strong;
You always come wash away my tears,
Everytime you’re beside me I know that you care.
Every step I take you’re always there,
You tell me to move on without a fear;
You leave me restless when you’re not around,
Loving you is a miracle that I’ve found.
Is it right for us to change ourselves for the sake of others? Have you ever noticed how we change our personality, beliefs, our perception and even our smallest of habits just to accommodate that one person in our life. But is it justified to love certain specific parts of a person, the parts which are convenient to us and suits our choice.?
I’ve seen girls going on extensive diets just because their boyfriends preferred slimmer women, many of them ended up being dumped anyways. Isn’t love supposed to be above these things, to cherish and care for a person despite his/her flaws. Being in love is supposed to make you feel happy and comfortable, and not insecure about your figure or anything else as trivial as that.
If you like a girl when she is herself, happy and looking beautiful as ever, then you should accept her even when she is depressed or angry and looks like a crying mess. If a guy can’t respect your problems and be there when you need him the most, then he doesn’t love you at all. You don’t need to change for any one. A person who truly cares for you will accept all of you, the good, the bad and the ugly.
Never lose your identity for fake affection. Every woman deserves to be treated like a queen and anyone who doesn’t treat her right doesn’t deserve her at all.
I’m falling again,
Spiraling down the depths of hell.
Back to where it all began,
Still lonely, still trying to mend.
I’m addicted again,
Your poison lies take over me.
Intoxicated by the fear and the pain,
Silently wishing for it to end.
I’m lost again,
A dark cloud looms over me.
These feelings I cannot restrain,
Left blinded in this world of pretend.
I’m guilty again,
For crimes that cannot be forgiven.
Standing in the midst of this pouring rain,
I’m falling over and over again.
Is it wrong if I find solace in pain? What should I do if it seems to be the only way I feel alive? I’ve asked this question to myself over and over and I still haven’t reached a conclusion. I don’t understand why people have this strange notion that being happy all the time equals normalcy. Yes, I am depressed and I’m not ashamed of it.
Why should I be anyways? I try to be strong, I stand tall and fake a smile so that people believe that I’m okay. But under all that false bravado I am still a human, a girl who has had enough and is sick of keeping it all together. It is hard not breaking down, not letting go of your inhibitions. The more I tried to keep it in, the worse it became.
There comes a time when you feel like somebody punched right through your chest and there is this big hole right where your heart should be. You try to breathe, hyperventilate, but still no air reaches your lungs. I couldn’t sleep or eat . I had actually gone numb. It was either that or plain remorse, there was no third emotion that I felt. In such a case pain was a welcome alternative. It was what kept me sane, gave me the assurance that I was still alive.
I am not saying that the way I handled it was correct. I should have sought help. Sadly I was too wrapped up in my own thoughts to have acted wisely. But still pain was liberating even if for a while. Nothing else mattered then. I would lie on my bed whole day starving myself , not caring, not thinking. I didn’t even cry though I know that could have helped.
Recuperating , now I know how wrong I was. I acted irrationally and I’m guilty as charged. I know it is hard sometimes. You cannot share your problems and it gets worse with time. I’m not saying that being depressed is wrong. No, you have every right not to be okay and to feel like shit. What you need to know is that the phase will pass. Pain may seem the only cure but believe me it is only temporary. So instead of feeling ashamed of your condition, reach out to your friends and family. Look for help, make the right decisions and I’m sure you will emerge victorious, leaving behind all the negativity in your life.
I don’t dream of Prince Charming on a white horse nor do I desire vampires in silver Volvo, those are fairy tale stuff. I don’t mind having normal guy who has a simple life, a boring 9 to 5 job and maybe a lazy dog who does nothing but sleep the whole day. There are things I know which happen only in movies or fiction stories, but still I can’t help myself fantasizing about some of them. I mean a girl deserves some amount of mushy, lovey-dovey stuff in her love life right?
I want to feel butterflies in my stomach every time I see him. I wanna wake up next to him every morning, to know that nothing could be more perfect than that very moment. When he takes me in his arms, I want to feel like I’m home, that this is where I belong. I don’t want expensive gifts or fancy diamonds, those are the last things on my mind. I would be happier if he would cook for me or maybe leave me small love notes here and there.
I want him to make me feel special, to tell me how much he loves me everyday. When I’m in love I want to be happy all the time, to have a smile on my face and to feel like the world suddenly became a perfect place. I want to feel good about myself, more confident and positive. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for. After all a woman would do anything for the guy she loves, so it is only fair that she gets showered with affection and care. What are your fantasies regarding love? What do you imagine your love life to be like?
Part 5: It’s okay not to be okay…
Have you ever felt uncomfortable sharing your feelings? Do you feel scared that people might judge you and that you must hide those parts of yourself that you don’t like? If yes, then I guess we are both in the same predicament.
The basic reason I started writing this blog was that I wanted an outlet for all those pent up frustrations that were killing me inside. I am not a very complicated person, I have the same problems that other people of my age have. The only flaw that I have is my inability to open up to others. Right now when I’m writing, it doesn’t feel so hard, but when I’m with a friend it is like I can’t just get my thoughts out.
I have a lot of friends and I’m the person who everybody looks up to when they need someone. They tell me I am a good listener and it is nice to help a friend, to be there when they are at their lowest. So it is obvious that they would be there when I am in need. Sadly when I am depressed I prefer to suffer in silence instead of going to my bff and crying my eyes out till I feel better.
I have no idea what I’m scared of. If somebody likes me, they should like all the parts of me and not only the selected ones that they choose right? And if there is someone who is my friend only for his/her personal gain than he/she wasn’t my friend to begin with.
The truth is probably that I’ve spent all my life trying to be perfect in every sense. Accepting that I am depressed would be like showing my weakness to the world thus making me vulnerable. I told myself I was strong enough to manage everything on my own, that I can go through anything without falling apart. I was so wrong. The more I tried to suppress my feelings, the more I hurt.
Now I realize that nobody is perfect. Everyone is flawed in their own little ways. I am allowed to make mistakes, I don’t need to fake a smile every time. It is okay not to be okay sometimes. I am no superhuman and neither are you. Hiding yourself won’t do you any good. So next time you feel down, don’t be ashamed of it. Go out talk to someone about it, maybe they will just end up helping you more than you ever imagined 🙂